Love Matters

Photo:Roscoe.com

Recently, we shared the joy of a family wedding.  It was a casually elegant wedding, with al fresco dining and fine wine under Sonoma oak trees festooned with fairy lights.  Everything felt easy and natural there among the vines, and nobody forgot the fact that this was a celebration of two people in love. As I unpacked from this charming event I made the mistake of flipping on the television.  And there, snarling at me from the screen was a “Bridezilla” who was angry at her bridesmaids' refusal to wear ridiculous dresses.

What?  I'm sure they could wear these again...
Photo: Onewed.com

It is no surprise that under the stress of planning a wedding people may not be at their best, especially when being goaded by directors and camera crews.  In “Bridezilla” we get to see the worst moments of a bride’s preparations, while the groom generally spends his time looking for a rear exit.  I found myself shouting unsolicited advice to the television screen.  “Uh oh boyfriend, she is not going to get any nicer over the years...get out now! Go!” 

Last chance.
Photo: Animationsa2z

Now, if this were the only reality show dealing with the peccadilloes of overwrought brides it might be excusable as a novelty.  But there is a hearty list of similar shows for your consumption.  “David Tutera” was probably designing a wedding on another channel at that very moment. “Say Yes to the Dress” and the inexplicable spin-offs of that program squeezes brides into bejeweled sheathes across America, while their parents clutch their wallets in fear. In “Four Weddings” and “Platinum Weddings” couples seem to be in a mad contest to spend the most money on the most outrageous choices they can muster, while families who struggle to muster rent and food watch in a sort of “I can’t look away” horror.

Does this make me look fat?
Photo: Geeknaut.com

Why the fascination? Girls are trained from an early age to look forward to “their moment.”   Weddings are big business, ruled by trends and social pressure.  Every year 2.5 million couples get married and  Wikpedia estimates that the average wedding now costs about half a year’s income for middle class families.  All together, the final industry figure is over 40 billion dollars a year for wedding related purchases.  And the excesses seem to be on the rise.  Consider Renee Strausse’s dress for her wedding to jeweler Martin Katz in 2006--the world’s most expensive wedding dress at $12 million dollars (can you dry clean that?) But you can’t buy love!  Divoricerate.org tells us that half of weddings will end in divorce no matter how pretty the dress was, or how elaborate the venue.  In California a shocking 75% of couples will split. Just ask Liza Minelli and David Gest, who split only a year after spending 3.5 million dollars on their wedding extravaganza.

Is $12 million too much for you to spend on a dress?
Photo: yahoo.com

No worries!  Pick this one up for only$8.5 million!
Photo: Kystud.com

 Until the Middle Ages, a wedding ceremony looked like this:  “Here is a piece of fruit. Come live in my house.“ It wasn't until the marriage of Prince Albert to Queen Victoria in her white satin that women even started thinking about wearing specially purposed wedding gowns.   In fact, most of the traditions we practice today weren’t developed until after 1920 when the divorce rate was only about 13% (yes, I know there are lots of factors, but go ahead, just watch “Bridezilla” and tell me I’m wrong.)

Will you marry me?
Photo: Smithsonianmag.com

I'm not saying that it is wrong to have a memorable event.  But brides and couples who start their married lives in extreme excess seem to be celebrated in a very public way.  “This is my day.” Bridezilla says. “It’s all about me.” And they spend, spend, spend to prove it.  Perhaps they need to be reminded that it is not about them, it is not about the day, it is about a partnership, and a lifetime.

No caption needed.
Photo: Foxy955.com

Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher were married on May 13, 1924 in North Carolina. In her wedding photo she wears a simple dress and poses at home. The Fishers stayed married for nearly 87 years, through wars, depression, the civil rights movement and 15 different presidents.   They raised 5 children together and lived in the house that they built by their own hand. In 2008 interview Zelmyra mused that perhaps they stayed married for so long because they shared the title of “boss.” 

My beautiful cousin smiled calmly at her wedding last month.  She said, “If it wasn’t perfect I didn’t notice, and that’s OK.”  And that made it perfect, in every important way. Congratulations.