Dressing Miss Daisy

If you are a man, you may stop reading this, unless you are a clothing designer.  If you are a size 10 or below, don’t bother with this week’s blog.  Finally, if you have not yet reached a “certain age,” this may be a waste of your time.  (If you don’t know what a “certain age” is, then you haven’t reached it.)  The rest of you, share my pain.

Shopping, my one-time favorite sport, has recently begun to trigger feelings in me that were previously reserved for trips to the dentist.  As I tiptoe into my 50s, it has become hard to find “appropriate” clothing. And by appropriate I mean clothing that is neither a tropical print mumu, nor requires a belly ring as a finishing accessory. Clothing that has not been designed for our mothers or our daughters.  

Don't let it happen to you.
Photo: Mumumuesli.com

 Isn’t anyone designing for the nearly 55 million female baby boomers aged 50-64? You know, the average American women who, according to the Los Angeles Times, weigh in at about 162 pounds, and are looking for nice clothing in sizes 10-14? These women are scouring stores for clothing, and managed to spend over $19.6 billion last year--with little help from retailers.

Size 14.
Photo: Amuseum.org

Lady boomers are getting mixed messages.  The media fixates on their outward appearance, but they are often shut out of better clothing because of their age or size.  They are urged to think thin, but Professor Rob Brooks at UNSW found that most men preferred the shape of average women over the emaciated models used to sell clothing.  You would never suspect this preference leafing through magazines, watching runway shows or even visiting your local malls.  Men, where were you when Miuccia Prada vowed that she would never design clothing larger than a size 10? Why didn't you step forward and tell Prada that you like it when your “baby got some back.”  (Of course, “size 10” has less meaning today; according to Sean Poulter at the Daily Mail many chains have increased waist sizes up to 1.6 inches in order to make women feel better about themselves. But more on that another day.) To Prada who specializes in insulting average women, and the stores that specialize in “larger” clothing here is a message:  Being larger than a size 10 is not an illness nor does it result in cravings for polyester and elastic.

Nuff said.
Photo: Ancianosolucion.es

It seems that in their frustration women of a certain age have migrated to the internet.  Market research firm NPD concludes that 65% of online apparel sales go to women over age 35, with the bulk of sales to women 55 to 64 years old.  The offerings in retail stores are so slim that they must settle for clothing that they cannot touch or try on before purchasing.  That probably won’t help solve the problem.

While we wait for twenty-something merchandisers to make sophisticated, attractive and appropriate clothing for fifty-something women in sizes 10 and above more available, here is a set of guidelines collected from aging shoppers for aging shoppers:

Probably not this...
Photo: Thegloss.com

If you wore it the first time it was in style, you are not allowed to wear it the second time.  Retro is a no-no. Stop drooling over the platform pumps and flaunting your butt crack.  You had your chance in the 60s.

Do not wear anything that gathers under the bust.  While this style flatters girlish figures, it makes you look like one of those grannies that seek out unethical fertility doctors.

No puffed sleeves.  Puffed sleeves are only permitted for adolescents, tweenagers and Swedish milkmaids.

Do not tuck your jeans into your boots unless you are in the army, on safari or mucking out a stall.

Be conservative when it comes to glitter.  It can sometimes add a shiny glow to parts best left in the dark.

If your friend tells you it’s “cute” leave it on the rack.

Avoid synthetics. Polyester and hot flashes do not mix well. 

But not this either...
Photo:  Sodahead.com

In the end, appropriate is what feels comfortable and right.  Wrap the wisdom, beauty, clarity and confidence that you’ve gained in clothes that highlight who you have become.

Too comfy?
Photo: Kaboodle.com