Fixed Up

I love Home Depot. It’s such a positive place. Even the name “depot” promises a journey. A place of promise, of empowerment, of endless opportunity. A way station on our journey of making a home.  Of home improvement.

How I feel when I start a project.
Photo: scavangeinc.com

Soon after.
Photo: epa.gov

Two thirds of homeowners say that they will undertake renovation projects of some type this year. In spite of the still sluggish economy, people plan to invest in their home, though they will reduce their  average spending from $6200 to $3400.  Many say they will make up the difference by doing some or all of the work themselves. *

Will be bludgeoning each other soon.
Photo: homeimprovementstip.com

 Over half of the re-dos will be inside, led by bathroom makeovers.  That means we will roll up our sleeves and try to tile, set toilets, paint, place cabinetry and screw in towel racks.  About a third will be outdoors, setting up solar systems, planting gardens and building decks.  Let’s face it.  Some of us will be more successful than others.

Start with small projects.
Photo: 204.115.34. 

Personally, I was born to live in a condo.  Without my husband’s unexpected skill in running electrical wire, fixing plumbing and grouting things I would be at the mercy of contractors.  Until the day he cut off his finger (ground it off actually) in a woodworking mishap I thought he could do just about any home improvement project. 

I, on the other hand, in spite of having all of my limbs and digits intact, have failed miserably at a long list of projects. As early as the 70s I was planting melons on hillsides (the ripening fruit rolling downhill into the neighbor’s dandelion patch,) trying to refinish crown molding while it was still up and fussing over holes in the second floor bathroom large enough to see people below while sitting on the pot.  I have rolled out sod that turned to weeds in a season,  and childproofed my drawers permanently shut. My husband likened my wallpapering efforts to an old I Love Lucy rerun.  Most recently I spackled and painted in the guest room, trailing dried bits of spackle and inkblot patterns of tan paint throughout the house. 

Tell me what you see in the paint blots.
Photo: Flickr.com

In spite of my many failures, I have endless enthusiasm for Home Depot and the unexplored lands of just-right lighting fixtures, mysterious plumbing parts, giant racks of raw wood and voltage meters that make me want to build homemade batteries.  I have developed some loose guidelines for navigating the store: 

Never hire an electrician with the nickname of "Sparky."
Photo: hccs.edu

1. Bring the biggest vehicle you own.  You may think you are shopping for lightbulbs, but you have to walk through shelving, paint, and bathroom cabinets to get there.  And trying to squeeze a pedestal sink into a Prius can be a rough start to your new project.

This doesn't seem like a good choice.
Photo: cnet.com

Neither does this.

   
  

Until you consider this.
Photo:homedepot.com

2. Prep is critical.  Measure stuff before you go, twice. Jot down sizes and colors.  Bring swatches. Leave someone at home with a tape measure and a cell phone.

Prep is very important.  Move items before painting.
Photo: Sodahead.com

3.  Go without kids.  My older daughter has a penchant for building and wearing robot heads in the sheet metal department, or installing intricate pvc pipe sculptures in the garden section.  My younger marches angrily through the store, pointing out problems with sustainability and the various manufacturers’ failures to meet basic environmental or energy standards.

Do we have to buy these now?
Photos: uws.edu.au/Businessinsider.com

4. Go with someone knowledgeable. My favorite trips are with my husband, who is genetically coded to understand and embrace artifacts like sprinkler heads, copper wire, and ceiling fans.  Going to Home Depot with Paul is like going to visit the Grand Canyon and being guided by a Paleo-Indian from 8,000 B. C. It is his native habitat.

Paul knows what all these things are.
Photo: carrborofire.org

5.  Finally, have the phone number of a contractor available.

The right contractor can be worth the extra cost.
Photo:ladyjaynesradingden.com

 As I stand in the spacious aisles at Home Depot, I breathe in the scent of paint (oh, I guess that explains my euphoria ) and like a mother who gave birth I forget my painful experiences, my messy projects, my plain old humiliating moments and plunge into a new project.  This one is bound to go well.

The store offers help with any project.
Photo: beebla.com

Home Depot has everything you need for a great weekend.
Photo: dr.heckel.com

*(American Express Spending and Saving Tracker.)

What are you wearing?

I have lost some weight.  Slowly, over months and months, I have shrunk to the point of looking like a child playing dress up in her Mother’s clothes. The other day my belt went past the last hole, and I realized that I could not put off anymore that which I had been dreading for some time.  Shopping for all new clothes.

Wardrobe emergency.
Photo:Parentingmagic.com

 Let me tell you something you already know.  “Clothes make the (wo)man.”  This truism is the common sense distillation of a field of study called Semiotics (or Semiology if you are in fashionable Paree.) Our clothing provides clues to class, religion, trendiness, personal and cultural values.  In other words, what we wear (among other codes) helps those around us place us into appropriate categories.

Sometimes whole new categories are needed.
Photo:Peopleofwallmart.com

I tried an experiment when I was teaching.  I asked my students to write about two very differently dressed subjects in a set of photos.  Not a single student ever raised a hand to ask me how they would know anything at all about these people.  Every student felt completely comfortable making judgments about the subjects in the photos based solely on appearance. The people in the photos were given names, goals, a lifestyle and even personal values based on how they looked. My class sorted out the people in the photos in the same way an interviewer, a potential mate, the school principle and the bridge club sort you.

   

Who is this...
Photo: wired.com

and who is this?
Photo: zimbio.com

Remembering this classroom exercise, I find myself a bit anxious about choosing clothes.  It seems that shopping might be more than just a fun way to spend an afternoon.  It is shaping up to be an existential experience.  My friend Robin says I dress too conservatively.  I didn’t think I was conservative. My daughter Lia tells me that ruffles are too girlie.  Am I not feminine enough for ruffles?  Husband Paul tells me to buy shorter shorts.  In pink.  Is he wishing I were younger?  Then there is my always succinct daughter Brooke telling me to “wear whatever the &%#@ you want.“ But will she be seen with me if I do?

Fashion advice: No ruffles

Fashion advice: Whatever.

 Putting friends and family aside, I decided to turn to YouTube to see if I could figure out what a reasonably well-dressed fifty-something person might buy these days.  My search term turned up a collection of high fashion models wearing see-through clothes at construction sites, Lady Gaga in a meat dress and a collection of unusual WallMart patrons.  Given my aversion to clothing optional construction sites, my budding vegetarianism and the lack of a Wallmart within 50 miles, it looks like I am on my own to find my place on the broad spectrum of fashion choices.

Not for me (the dress)
Photo: Joop.com

No.
(Does it come in chicken?)
Photo: Thedailygreen.com

Definitely not.
Photo: Peopleofwallmart.com

As I get ready to hit the stores, it occurs to me that we are all playing dress up.  We dress to show respect, to have fun, to blend in and to stand out.  It may take awhile to amass a wardrobe that can do all of those things.  I guess I’ll just poke another hole in my belt and take my time.

Photo: Rockymountaintelegram.com

I'm Pumped

We had our septic tank pumped this morning.  “Best close your windows and doors” came the good advice of the Honey Bucket Man “this can be pretty powerful stuff.” An hour later 1200 pounds of, er, waste, was out of our septic tank and in his truck ready to go wherever it is that takes such loads.  “You folks are pretty healthy” he pronounced as he peeled off his gloves.  “Sometimes I see a foot of grease on top of all the poop.” I felt strangely relieved, in the same way that you are relieved when you wear your good underwear to the doctor’s office and then he unexpectedly asks you to take your pants off.  But I digress (and do you blame me?) Septic grease is the grossest thing I have thought about in a long time, and I wondered what it is that we are eating that could reformulate into a foot of grease?

Could be this fried cheese inside a grilled cheese sandwich...
Photo: Denny's

Or this double grilled cheese with a burger in the middle...
Photo: Friendly's

Or maybe this "buns are for sissies" offering from KFC.
Photo: KFC

I’m sure you’re not surprised that Americans eat a lot of junk food.  CBS reports that every single day one in four Americans eats fast food. Let’s see... (math in progress) that means every day almost 80 million people eat fast food! It adds up. According to The Secret Life of Food we each average:

•                50 pounds of cookies and cakes

•                100 pounds of refined sugar

•                55 pounds of fat and oil

•                300 containers of soda

•                20 gallons of ice cream

•                5 pounds of potato chips

•                18 pounds of candy

•                2 pounds of popcorn

•                unknown quantity of pretzels and a wide variety of snack foods

This...

Is destined to become this. Yes, I showed it.

Photo:s Frisky.com/Indianapolisplumbers.com

“But wait,” you skeptics may say in that smug way of yours. “Just because we eat at a fast food restaurant does not mean we make those bad choices.”  But bad choices are easy to make at fast food places.  I mean, there are the obvious bad choices (last time I checked triple-creamy milkshakes were not on any diet plan,) but some pretty nasty foods can be laid on top of lettuce and passed off as a salad. For example, a Chipotle Steak Taco Salad will come in at 900 calories, 57g of fat, and 1,480 mg of sodium. It is actually worse than a McDonald’s Quarter Pounderä (730 calories, 40 grams of fat, 1330 milligrams of sodium.)

Not an actual salad (go ahead, look it up.)
Photo: Taco Bell

My septic guy was kind enough to describe the clues he saw in our tank, but not everything that goes into our body comes back out.  Fast food consumption has expanded by 500% since 1970, and our girths have expanded as well. NPR tells us that more than 33% of Americans are now obese, and by 2020 that number is expected to creep close to 50%.  The next generation of obese adults is ready to step in and take their place.  In a Pediatrics article (January 2007) Dr. D. Ludwig studied over 6000 kids, and noted that over 30% of them ate fast food each day, consuming nearly 200 extra calories per day and on track to gain an extra 6 pounds every year.

Potato is a vegetable, right?
Photo: digiguide.tv

Here’s a few things you can doo (sorry):  Choose small fries instead of large.  A hamburger instead of a big Mac. Mustard instead of special sauce.  How about getting your salad dressing on the side?  Lots of calories and fats sneak into fast food salads that way. In general, beware of adjectives on the menu like “fried, breaded, smothered, mega, crispy, glazed, slammed, dunked, layered, creamy, super, filling, platter, triple, sampler”, and the ubiquitous “enough to share,” which you should definitely share. Of course none of these works as well as driving past the king, or clown or bells that are beckoning you to overindulge.

Wearing his food choices.
Photo: blissreturned.wordpress.com

My septic guy claims he can actually gauge life expectancy from poop--sort of like tea leaves, but with a scientific foundation.  The grease he sees in the tank foretells the relative likelihood of high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure and ultimately, an early death.  Fast food restaurants insist that the state of our septic tank is not their concern, and frankly I agree.  It's up to us.

Please listen to this lady.

Maybe not so much. (Love her recipe for deep fried mac and cheese though!)

Note:  If you prefer to gross yourself out and away from fast food (and there are lots of opportunities to do that) you may find this blog informative and entertaining:

http://blissreturned.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/tales-from-the-fast-food-kitchen-what-the-h-is-that-made-of/
  

alternatively read a good book on the fast food industry like Fast Food Nation, or Supersize Me.

Hellooooooo.

She's back...
Photo: auctionbytes.com

 After a long hiatus from blogging I asked my daughter if she thought I had to share the details of my absence.  “F#*& no!” she replied elegantly.  “Just because my generation documents everything about their personal and private lives doesn’t mean you have to.” 

I wondered, rather idly, if that were really true. It took about 30 seconds to find a Pew Study (2010) that confirmed the symbiotic relationship between technology and teens. “66% of all teens go online (really, that’s all?) and of those who go online 66% are content creators–meaning they create videos, post photos, write blogs and message boards.” That’s an avalanche of content.   But is it really inappropriate?  Understandingteenagers.com says it is.  32% of teens report that they have regretted sharing personal details online.

Creating quality content for the next generation.
Photo: bible-stories-library.com (really)

Why are we more likely to share secrets online? In 1996 a researcher named John Walthers dubbed the online communication experience as “hyperpersonal.” It means that people are generally more likely to reveal more about themselves online than they do in person, because of the lack of verbal cues--online you can’t see the look of horror on the recipient's face as you spew the details of your last hot date. It also may be linked to the illusion of anonymity, or the sense of privacy engendered by the solitary act of posting.

Ewww. TMI Dude.

In fact, according to The Digital Family (March 29, 2011) the lack of nonverbal feedback is contributing to more impulsivity online.  And it can cause serious consequences.  For teens, up to 40% of inpatient mental hospital admissions are in some way related to sexting, texting, tweeting, facebooking or otherwise engaging in damaging cyber-communication.

Nostalgia?
Art: skiddyrow.wordpress.com

As our teens grow into adults and adults become more media fluent the problem is likely to become worse before it gets better.  New ways to embarrass ourselves are in the works:  Automatic tweets are available for personal moments like weigh-ins, credit card purchases, household functions and even live (deadly boring) streaming video of your life.

Who’s watching?  (OK, I would watch your weigh-ins.) According to a 2009 Harris Interactive survey, almost half of employers now screen job candidates online. Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter can provide clues as to whether potential candidates are party animals, love cats too much or have anger issues. It shouldn’t be surprising that Digital Age estimates as many as 12% of adults are struggling with the same content regrets that our teens are facing. 

Will this tip off a potential employer?
Photo: scenicreflections.com

With this research and my daughter's advice in mind I just just want to assure you all that I am not writing from prison, I have not been on an 8 month bender and I am not being held prisoner by a disgruntled former student.   Oh, and if you are a prospective employer who is checking on me via social media, be assured that I am much more attractive than my profile picture, and much smarter than I sound.  

Just one more.
Photo: Khonsa02.wordpress.com

And....They're Off!

Summer camps are over, and dusk creeps in earlier each evening.   Children are becoming restless with the relaxed pace of summer, and the first hint of Halloween costumes are creeping out of their retail resting places. Even in an evergreen state like California the change of season is palpable.

The waning of summer is a bittersweet time for parents.  In spite of the many joys of family togetherness even the most loving parent can be excused for looking forward to the promise of peace that the school year brings.

Teens try to escape while parent calms them.
Photo: goffvw.com

But, before you can step into that promised land you must brave back to school shopping (BTS.)  BTS is an annual late August outbreak carried by adults, but expressed in marked behavioral changes in teenagers.

Teen looks for brain.
Photo: Suburbsanity.com

The most frequent symptom of BTS in teens is eye rolling.  You’re most likely to see this behavior emerge when you tell your teen that you will accompany them on their pre-school shopping trip.  The condition should generally lessen or even resolve when money is applied.  If your teens’ eye rolling deteriorates into facial contortions or mumbling, try to ease their discomfort by fanning them vigorously with your store credit cards.

Homeopathic cures for BTS are available in your own wallet.
Photo: Fortunewatch.com

BTS is highly contagious.  Even if you make it to the mall symptom-free, be aware that just being in proximity of an adult while shopping is enough to transmit BTS to your teen at any moment.  A common complication of BTS can occur if your teen is spotted at the mall by peers in the “cum parente” position; it can precipitate a crisis that can be alleviated only by jeans costing over one hundred dollars.

Cum Parente teens recover in a support group.
Photo: Therockwallnews.com

Unlike most bugs, BTS can cross species, travelling easily from shoppers to sales associates.  With their finely tuned animal instincts, sales associates can sense the weakness of the back to school shopper.  Aggressive salespeople will engage in stalking behaviors, cutting you out of the pack by introducing themselves, starting rooms for you and then providing the right sizes for the most inappropriate and most expensive items. Your only hope for escape is to hover around the sales racks until they spot more likely prey.

BTS parent seeks refuge in remote area.
Photo: Luux.com

Once teens contract BTS their recovery is doubtful, at least for the duration of the mall trip.  The best course of action is to treat yourself.  Starbucks, the cookie counter and the pedi parlor are all proven therapeutic treatments for adult BTS.  And hold on to the fact that BTS is a seasonal disease, which should wane along with the final days of summer.

Temporary relief from BTS is available.
Photo: Lifewithwendy.com

Bloopage

I have been unable to exercise recently, and as a result have gained almost five pounds.  Now, five pounds doesn’t sound like an awful lot, unless it’s THE five pounds that create new bloopage.

Weighing one leg at a time can help.
Photo: Since1910.com

Oh come on.  You know what I mean by bloopage.  It’s the stuff that bloops over your belt, or other constrained areas on your body.  The first bloopage experience can be traumatic.  Mine came early in life. When I married, it was in a dropped waist, see-through bodice that required me to wear thigh high stockings.  “Oh gahd!” I screamed in the tranquil boutique where I was trying on the stockings for the first time. “My thighs!  They look like nuclear mushrooms!”  After my girlfriend finished snorting white wine out of her nostrils, she packed me up in the car and drove me to the gym.

This calls for extreme measures.
Photo: Kitchik.com

Over the years I have found that the gym can be a distressing experience if you don’t have the right attitude.  I strongly suggest hiring a personal trainer if you can swing it.  It’s not that you really need a personal trainer to make it through a robust workout.  But let’s face it, the right trainer can distract you from noticing all of the beautiful, hard-bodies that are working out around you.  Who cares if they are running faster, lifting more weight or clearly more coordinated? You have “Hans” massaging that pesky cramp out of your calves.

What workout?
Photo: Goldsgymma.com

Hans not in the budget?  Consider a sport, like swimming.  Then people can lift you with one arm!  That’s right, one arm!  Imagine how much weight you would have to lose in the gym for that to happen!

This would never happen at the gym.
Photo: Greenwebsitedesign.co.uk

If exercise seems inconvenient, try optical illusions.  You simply buy bigger, ill fitting clothes, and then wait for people to say things like “Oh my, look at the weight you’ve lost...your clothes are hanging on you!”  You can also stand next to large objects that create the illusion that you are small, like the Lincoln Memorial or that guy that plays in all the giant movies.  Also helpful (giving credit to R.S. here) have all photographs taken from above.  Or from a distance.  In the fog.  At night.  Finally, shave off five pounds quickly by only looking at yourself in the mirrors they use at department stores.

Wow! What's your secret?
Photo: freewebs.com

You look tiny!
Photo: dentonrc.com

The truth is, that my bloopage makes me yearn for my mother’s Europe (well, before the Nazi’s anyway) when being “soft” was a sign of a wealthy home with plenty of food and increased your desirability.  Big thighs? Big dowry.  My darling mother used to call larger people “healthy” and urge food on us the way one might urge on a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Chicken fat was a condiment.  Cake was a breakfast choice.  Food was love.

Cake as a food group.
Photo: recipebinder.uk.org

I wish for those days when I was fearless and brave with bread and cookies.  Unfortunately, wishful thinking is just another strategy that won’t work.  See you at the gym.

This works too.
Art:  Clevelandseniors.com

There are consequences to ignoring bloopage...
Photo: Movieboy.com

Running away from bloopage.
Photo: Webmd.com