The Self-Esteem Epidemic

After ten seasons on the air most of us have seen the American Idol auditions at least once.  I’m not really interested in the undiscovered divas who are about to be launched into a life of fame and fortune.  I’m much more fascinated with the eager, proud and ever-so-sincere singers who are confused and dazed when their efforts are met with eye rolls and laughter.  Why do these people think they can sing?

Narcissist? Ya think?
Photo: NYMag.com

We all know a narcissist.  Aunt Millie believes she has a glorious voice though you think she croaks like a frog.  Your husband’s friend Bruno surreptitiously looks in the mirror while speaking to you to make sure he is still great looking (in his own eyes.)  Or how about cousin Al, who feels that he is chosen for something special, though he’s not quite sure yet what that is (though it’s definitely not a day job.)

Ok, maybe Bruno does look good...
Photo: Viamedic.com

Narcissism at its worst is a mental illness.  In fact, the U.S. National Library of Medicine defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves.” People with this disorder have a tough time seeing themselves as others do, partly because they have been trained to view themselves as deserving of love and praise for no particular reason.

I'll be needing a bigger litter box...
Photo: Seminareventreview.com

I’m not saying Aunt Millie or Bruno are mentally ill.  Mild narcissism can be healthy; we call it self-esteem.  But with the self-esteem parenting movement in the 1980’s, narcissism has become rampant.  Ann Le Suer-Collins writes about the relationship between environmental narcissism and the sense of entitlement in our young people.  She estimates that 1 in 10 young adults have already experienced a level of narcissism that qualifies as a personality disorder.  Doctors Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell actually consider narcissism in children an epidemic, and write about the fallout of the self-esteem movement in our society.  The bottom line is that many of our children have been the victims of too much love from us, their parents.

No, you are a hot dog.
Artwork:  Billboardmama.com

I know.  Your kids are definitely the most brilliant, most athletic, best looking children with which mankind has ever been graced.  But maybe we shouldn’t let the kids know that.  Maybe we shouldn’t sing them self-love songs like I am Terrific or  Look at Me. Maybe we should think twice before reading books like Bowser’s Learning to Love Me or Adams’ Happy to be Me.  Maybe we should stop awarding every little athlete a trophy for just for trying. 

Look Ma!  I showed up!
Photo: Flickr.com

These songs, books and practices are part of a long list of parenting resources focused on building self-esteem in our kids.  Well, typical for boomers: we overachieved.  About ten percent of our kids not only believe in themselves, they are in love with themselves. Maybe we should have been reading books like Maureen Stout’s “The feel-good curriculum: The dumbing-down of America's kids in the name of self-esteem.”  As a teacher trainer with lot’s of experience with different populations, Stout observes that giving an “A for effort” often leads to less effort and more feelings of entitlement.  It’s not too late to learn from the mistakes we parents made in the 80s and 90s. You can raise kids with real, earned, healthy self-esteem by treating them, well, a little less nicely. 

Photo: Amapaforkids.com

Parents and educators, it is right and proper to reward children for their achievements.  It is a loving act to help children embrace all of their strengths, and yes, weaknesses.  But trying isn’t winning, and winning might come only after losing a few times.  So instead of teaching our kids that they are glorious just the way they are, and that they are entitled to admiration simply by the act of being, why aren’t we teaching our kids how to try their best, win humbly, lose with grace, try again, persist and continue to improve themselves all of their life?

Here are some ways for you to encourage your kids to feel great not only about who they are but who they can become.

Encourage your children to work.  Don’t reward them unless they do the job well.  Lowering your standard will lower theirs.

Encourage your children to fail.  It’s how we learn.

Encourage your children to give to others.  Because really, they aren’t the center of anyone’s universe except yours.

Be honest with your children. Help them know what they do great, and what skills they need to build.  It will save them the shock of finding out for themselves.

Be a good example. Tiring but true. 

Self-esteem is great.  But self-delusion, narcissism and a sense of entitlement lurk just behind it.  Respect your kids enough to help them assess their strengths and weaknesses, and build to their goals.  The judges and viewing public thank you.

Photo: Funnyfidos.com

Photo: Moti.com