Pet Peeves:November

I had such a charmed Thanksgiving week that it was hard to come up with things to complain about this month.  But then Black Friday dawned, and I was suddenly inspired. This month’s pet peeves are dedicated to the November crowds and parties leading up to the holiday. 


It probably won’t surprise you that we start at the mall:

Heading right for me.
Photo: lenedgerly.com

Children who bump you.

My children are not especially well mannered, but it seems that I have at least instilled in them the ability to mutter a nearly recognizable “scuse me” if they crash into other shoppers, strollers or standers-by.  Walking through the mall the other day I was assaulted by several apparent orphans hurling through the promenade at a high velocity, leaving only a series of bruises to mark their passage.  Can’t get by?  Push.  Having trouble? Push harder. 


And then there are the endless social opportunities:

janeaustensworld.wordpress.com

People in groups who don’t turn to welcome you.

OK.  I get it.  You don’t know me and you don’t care to.  Maybe your social calendar is already full, or you are engaged in negotiating an arms deal and cannot be disrupted.  Most likely you never read the particular installment of Miss Manners that instructs us to open our conversational circle and welcome people who approach us at parties. 

Hosts who don’t help groups to welcome you. 

Ideally, a host should greet his or her guest, and then walk them over to a group of lovely, like-minded attendees where an introduction and a launching point for further conversation is provided.  (This group of lovely, like-minded attendees will, of course, open their conversational circle to embrace the newcomer.) “Joe and Margie meet Jane.  Jane is also a nuclear physicist working on the transmutation reactions associated with mass-energy release, and I think you may know some of the same people.”  But this failproof method of mixing is slowly becoming outmoded, and has been replaced by the somewhat less gracious “Yo, Jane.  You made it. Grab a cold one.”

People who sneeze into their hands and then welcome you with a handshake.

Yuck. The only thing grosser is how often this happens, and how oblivious the sneezers are.

People who sneeze on you.

OK, that is grosser.

Shaking hands after someone emerges from the bathroom.

I’m never sure whether to be grateful when their hands are damp.  Or not.

Getting ready for company can be stressful too:

Sometimes it's hard to wait
Photo: Superstock.com

People who have huge carts full of food who won’t let you go in front of them in grocery stores when you have one item.

This generally only happens on the days when you are late to pick up your child.  It is more likely to happen if it is raining or dark outside and your child has to wait alone.  It definitely will happen if you must urgently have the one item you are in line for, and have no option but to wait.  You clear your throat gently, and hold the lone item prominently in front of you, but the person ahead of you is from Pluto, or Los Angeles, and does not understand and/or care.

And then there are the events:

People who hold a spot in line.  For many other people.

Ah, your family laughed at you when you arrived two hours early for the dance recital/extravaganza.  But you found yourself only 7^th in line, and enjoyed the triumph of knowing that you would have a seat in front, in prime photo territory (instead of behind the camcorder and camera wielders recording their children’s debut right in your line of sight.)  But your family gets the last laugh when each of the 7 people ahead of you turns out to be holding a spot for 27 of their closest relatives. 

People who hold seats.  Lots of seats.

Stride past those perfectly acceptable seats towards the back of the theatre, because there seem to be plenty of space up ahead.  Turn around when you see that the entire middle of the theater is being “held” with draped raincoats.  Too late...the back of the theater is full.

And finally, the everyday disasters (which are not necessarily related to the holidays, but are just as irritating in November as any other time!)


Kids who cross the street without looking.

I know if I hit one of these teens I will be the party in the wrong, the pariah, the irresponsible, rash and reckless driver who hit an innocent child with her car.  I have never heard of someone whispering behind their hand “she was just driving along slowly when a callous, self-important teen ran out and forced her to hit him.”

Ow.
Photo:GoodTimes.Webshots.com

Women with umbrellas in crowds.

Careful, you’ll poke someone’s eye out!

Do these little indignities tend to intensify during the holidays, or are we more sensitive during the rising rhythms of the season? As always, the list is open!

Can insecurity be a goal?

Growing up I went to school in the same district with the same kids for all of my childhood and adolescence.  I always thought that I would give that kind of stability and security (and boredom) to my own children, but it turns out that between my two kids they have attended 7 different schools over the past 12 years.  So  far. Each time they started a new school was a learning experience, and though it has all turned out well it caused quite a bit of anxiety, and guilt too.  After all, we want to protect our kids from these traumatic experiences, right?

School 1, Day 1

Now that I’m older, I realize that we have the power to frame the change in our lives as frightening, or as exciting. Both feelings are physiologically similar; they make our hearts race, our palms sweat and our breath quicken.  The edge of a higher diving board, the top of a new ski slope and the start of a new relationship all have something in common.  They can be scary and uncomfortable or exhilarating and empowering.  Putting a positive spin on the feelings that accompany new challenges is a gift we can give our children and ourselves.  In fact, I am beginning to wonder if stability and security are overrated.

She probably went to more than one school.
Photo:besidemeallalong.blogspot.com

Consider that when our parents were in the workforce they expected to be with one company for life.  Now, according to the Department of Labor, workers between the ages of 18 and 38 will change jobs an average of 10 times.  So, it seems that learning to deal with change in a positive way has become a valuable tool for the way we work.  As an extension, doesn’t it also help us deal with the unexpected and explore new directions in our personal lives? How many times will we be called on to open ourselves to new circumstances, ideas and behaviors as we age?

It concerns me that as we age we are naturally less open to change.  According to Scientific American (December, 2008) we are best suited to change in our twenties. Slowly over the ensuing years our personalities rust, turning us into creaky old people who can’t accept new flavors of Metamucil, never mind new ideas.  Some of this increased resistance to change is due to getting to know ourselves and our likes and dislikes, but other resistance is embedded in the human condition, and is well documented in change models.  Much of the research in change has been done in organizations, but is well suited to describe our personal lives as well:

Change mode:deltaplus3.com

I especially like this model because it highlights the emotional aspects of change, and our almost certain resistance at every age.  It also assumes the eventual integration of new things into our lives.  Otherwise we would be like a car going up a steep, icy hill, sliding backwards and then congratulating ourselves for reaching the bottom, going nowhere and not knowing any better.  Wouldn’t it be better to accept a new route, or at least put chains on?

To me, change is more than a model; it is a challenge to stay open and to keep learning. Because there is at least a chance that stability can become a stumbling block.  Maybe a little insecurity is not a bad thing.  Maybe it should be a goal.

Precision Laundry

Who are you, you women out there who separate loads, hand wash delicates and pre-treat stains?  Are you the same people that are composting their garbage and wiping their dog’s feet before he comes inside?  I have news for you—you are giving me a serious inferiority complex.  Oh, I try not to measure myself against you, but let’s face it.  Your white’s ARE whiter, and your colors ARE brighter than mine.  And I can’t help but wonder if this will have a dominoes affect on my life.  Do brighter clothes help brighten moods?  Does cleanliness inspire Godliness?  Are my dust bunnies keeping me out of heaven?

 When I was young, single and working I sent my dry cleaning out, paid for a cleaner and cooked very little. I prided myself on complete incompetence at home, and a budding talent for take-out.  Party?  Drop  off catering.  Savings?  None.  

I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but as a married woman and mother it suddenly mattered that I sometimes washed my whites with my reds, and that my panties were, therefore, pink.  That my floor didn’t sparkle, my dishes were not squeeky and my house definitely did not smell like a pine forest (more like eau de dog.)  My children wore mismatched socks, and my husband was frumpled enough to attract other women who believed he was a helpless bachelor.

Last ironed in 1987

As a whole, women are projected to control $1 trillion dollars, or about 60% of the nation’s wealth next year.  So, are we all lined up for Ferrari’s and Brazilian blowouts?  No, it turns out that we are at Walmart, which ranks highest in brands most important to women.*  Because we women are not just spending money.  We are spending our family’s money.

The half-trillion dollars that married women are responsible for accounts for about 80% of their household’s expenditures.**  That paints a big target on their back for advertisers, who need to promote the kind of insecurities that require oven cleaner and bleach to overcome.  Let the brainwashing begin!  Advertisers help us agonize over our whites, our mops and our streak-free windows.  And they make sure our partners think that agonizing over these things makes us better wives and mothers. 

If whiter whites and dust free living are what get you into heaven, then me and my dust bunnies and my pale pink panties are bound for hell where I will, no doubt, spend eternity spraying Febreeze and pre-treating stains as my punishment.  Meanwhile, I am stuffing my colors in with my whites and going for a walk.

Partying with friends in my pink panties

Is life better with hand-wash?  What is more important--the state of our home or the state of our mind?  Do you think people judge us by our housekeeping skills?  Are advertisers right? Should we care?

*www.packagedfacts.com

** Joan Cleaver, Entreprenuer Magazine 2/2004 “What Women Want”

Washed up at 13?

In my last blog I pondered the time and emotional energy we invest in our kids.
It started me thinking...

By the time my oldest was 18 she had tried the following life-enriching activities:  Gymnastics, ballet, flute, guitar, piano, art, cooking, gardening, bowling, swimming, soccer, tai kwon do, volleyball, computer camp, science camp, and camp-camp.  My younger child has a list of approximately the same length, but with surprisingly little overlap.  Each of my children have eventually settled on one or two areas on which to concentrate their attentions, but I often wonder who these activities are really enriching! Well, according to the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture* miscellaneous expenses (not including basics like housing, food, doctors and clothing) for a single 13 year old child cost between $1215 and $2579 per year-depending on annual family incomes.  My friends with a kid who is actually talented at one of these activities tell me it can cost a lot more.  At the highest levels sports participation can cost as much as $15 thousand dollars a year! (Note: This is a rare opportunity for those of us with less talented children to feel smug.)

While it’s not realistic to go back to the 1960s or 70s (is it really as we remember it?) when kids roamed free and wild all day and played pick up games of basketball on the local courts, there are some sound strategies to manage the financial and emotional costs of after school activities.  Some thoughts:

Don’t overload

Ask your kids to choose one school activity and one outside activity at most.  This can be challenging, because by the age 14 or so, schools and sports organizations expect our kids to specialize, and kids feel they are running out of time. Asking your child to jam his or her schedule might make them a champion at something, or it might make them a burnt out, bored and bummed out participant.  Make a sustainable schedule together, keep it, and then wait for your child to ask for more.  Or less. After all, we don’t want to cut in on their texting time.

Yes, they are probably texting each other.
Photo: TeensUnderground.com

Require commitments

At first I required a 3 month contract from my kids on every start, but after storing the Tae Kwon Do gear, the guitar and the fencing swords in the back of the closet I asked them to commit to 6 months or even longer (eternity for a ten year old!) 

  

Encourage friendships

It is easier to go to activities with a friend. The occasional pizza or ice cream bribe doesn’t hurt either, and it does make defeat go down a bit easier. 

Even Brett Favre needs a little pizza after a tough game.  
Photo: YahooSports.com

Control your expectations

What are your goals here?  Will you be bitterly disappointed if Johnny or Jennie don’t make the Olympic team or win the state fair’s JR. Quilting Division?  Winning might not be the best short-term goal to discuss with your kids, rather talk about personal best and persistence.   Oh, and maybe fun too. And that's real enrichment.

*Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion

Miscellaneous Publication Number 1528-2006