Meating Old Friends

My childhood friend came out to visit last week, and brought me lots of memories that she's been holding for both of us.  I spent a week laughing about childhood shenanigans, I cried when we could finally mourn lost family together and I spent way too much money shopping.  Now that she's gone and I am falling back into the rhythms of my own life, I have one lingering regret.  That we didn't eat more hamburgers.

How many burgers does it take to satisfy a couple of Ohio girls?
Photo: foodnetwork.co.uk

Oh, I know.  Hamburgers are bad for you.  But it was good for me, a mother of two mysteriously vegetarian offspring, to order hamburgers with no guilt.  Sitting across from my vegetarian daughters and my foodie husband makes it far less enjoyable to order a real thick, juicy hamburger.  Preferably with cheese. And grilled onions.  It causes my poor children to turn slightly green and look away, as though I am openly picking my nose or wearing the fur of an endangered animal.

I know this affection I have for meat is wrong.  The World Watch Institute and the Watch Mom Eat Institute (OK, I made that one up) remind me that livestock emit 16 percent of harmful methane gasses. With meat, the average U.S. diner requires twice as much water per person per day than a vegetarian.  A diet high in meat can use  two to four times more land--sometimes deforested land--than a vegetarian diet.

It's just not the same.
Photo: wellsphere.com

Then there are the health concerns. Red and processed meats have been associated with an elevated risk with colorectal cancer, cholesterol, and heart disease.

 Let’s not even get into the unethical business practices of the large beef producers and distributers.*

I always wanted to be a salad person.  One who picks at her food or forgets to eat lunch entirely.  But I am a meat person who seldom misses a meal (see profile photo.)  Whether it is my upbringing, my palate or sheer stubbornness, I love my burgers. 

Are those tomatoes really necessary?
Photo: Nancy'srecipes.com

 What makes it worse is that I love food but I’m not a foodie.  My lovely husband has taken me to many elegant restaurants and despite my best intentions I end up scanning the menu for the plainest, most savory food available. For me, ordering gourmet delicacies on one of our dates is like golfing at a really nice golf course.  It’s a waste of money that leaves me unsatisfied, and a little embarrassed. Just as I prefer our local 9-hole course, I prefer the diner, with its charcoal smells, the sound of grease fans going full blast, the formica floors and the tabletop jukeboxes. 

What I eat when I need a break from burgers.

In this age of conscientious eating, meat has become my vice. Forget the heroin, after my kids move out I am sitting down with a side of beef for a three day burger bender.  The smell of pot roast and root vegetables will be thick in the air. I will carve the leftover tofu into the shape of a cow and use it as a centerpiece.  Meanwhile, I have taken the following measures as outlined by Progress Report.cancer.gov in their Dietary Guidelines for Americans (DGA.)  Who knows, maybe they will become permanent:

Eat meat in moderation

According to the DGA we can eat 18 oz. per week.  I was surprised at their generosity, until I realize how large most restaurant portions can be.  So, it works out to about one steak and one burger per week. Still, it’s do-able.

Order or buy the best cuts available

Ground meat that you buy in the market is usually clearly marked for cut and fat content.  Stick to single source cuts (like round or sirloin) and look for the lowest fat content possible.  Also, look for origin; cattle raised on grass produce healthier meat.

Prep properly

Try baking or broiling meat rather than frying or grilling it to avoid the use of additional fats or the potential carcinogenic effects of char.

Leave off the fatty side dishes

Sigh.

Photo: laughparty.com

These are good first steps to cutting down on the consumption of meat. As a safeguard, I have my girls and my guilt keep me in line.  Oh, I can’t wait for my friend to come back and visit again in the near future. But I guess it would be a good idea to leave those burgers in the past.

What? It could happen!
Photo: alternativeoutfitters.com

*If you want to read further about monopolies in the beef industry, unsafe food processing and other “turn me vegetarian” topics read the excellent book “Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser.

Dress Me Up

Most of us can remember playing dress-up, pretending to be fairy princesses, cowboys or maybe space creatures.  My Mother’s tablecloth, some aluminum foil and maybe a stick had transformative powers, changing us from timid children to intrepid heroes.  As adults, I suspect that some of us still look for dignity or daring in our clothing.  We hint at who we are through our clothes, and we scan others for clues to their identities as well.

Anything is possible when you're a fairy princess
Photo: Creative-edu.com

In the field of communication studies, this is called the social construction of self and others. To illustrate the concept I used to give my students pictures of people in a variety of outfits and ask them to tell me their stories.  Never once, in 8 years of teaching, did a student say to me: “How would I know anything about them?”  The pictures seemed to have all of the information necessary for my students to construct detailed stories of the character’s lives, including political and sexual preferences, the type of work they did and even how their apartment was furnished! My daughter and I play this game in rush hour and at the mall sometimes, to pass the time. Where are they going? What will they buy today? It can be fun, but it also acts as a constant reminder that on some level, people are also making constant judgements about us.

What's the story?
Photo:Good-times.webshot.com

Wendy Leeds-Hurwitz delves into clothing as social code in her book Semiotics & Communication: Signs, Codes, Cultures. Really, the book is as tough to read as the title, but Chapter 5’s message (after 3 Advil) is quite clear.  You are what you wear. 

Unfortunately, understanding how to shape opinion through clothing is not simple.  Take bow ties.  Leeds-Hurwitz discusses gender, context and age as just some of the determining factors in whether a bow tie means a person is independent-minded or untrustworthy. Every individual piece of clothing you wear sends a message, either in harmony or discord with the other items in your ensemble. Leather jacket?  Rugged.  Paired with cashmere? Not so much. These observations seem to be common sense, but when it comes to clothing common sense seems to elude even the most determined of fashionistas.

Clothing and accessories can send mixed messages
Photo: FreeRepublic.com

Our lack of common sense has encouraged some companies to codify pretty basic rules for their employees.  For example, cab drivers in New York may not wear underwear as outerwear.  (Clearly a hardship for cab drivers; dnainfo.com reports a generally negative reaction to the rule change.) Underwear, or the lack of it is featured in any number of dress codes.  The "observable lack of undergarments" is forbidden for city workers in Brooksville, FL according to Tampa Bay Online. Brooksville adds that their employees should wear deodorant (really,who would come close?)

Is this what Brooksville was facing?
Photo: Gossiponthis.com

Yes, these are extremes, but changes in clothing through the use of dress code have had pronounced effects for many organizations.  Long Beach Unified School District has reduced gang identification with school dress codes and uniforms, dropping violence by over 76%. Callcentrehelper.com reports that British Gas’ uniform policy strengthened ties with the community and improved work attitudes.  It is probably these types of results that encouraged the 43-page dress code from UBS Bank this week. And why I read it before my job interview this morning.  I didn’t think it could hurt to try it out.  So I shaved my legs, wore underwear (under my clothes) and applied deodorant.  I buttoned my blazer and left my showy accessories at home.  Alas, I did not get the job.  Which leads me to the conclusion that you are not, after all, what you wear.  Maybe I should have stuck to fairy princess?

My next interview outfit

Doctored Up

My Jewish mother wanted her two children to be a doctor and a lawyer and was quietly disappointed when she got an advertising account exec and an entrepreneur. She told people we were an accountant and a businessman. My brother did fulfill her dream late in life with a Law degree...sort of an afterthought for him. I went back to school too, but confused her even more when I came out with a Master’s in Communication.  “Vat is dat?,” she would ask.  “You graduated in talking?!”  

I always had the secret desire to go on with my education and become a doctor for her.  Maybe not the kind she wanted.  But she would be able to tell her friends “Yes, I have two children.  One is a Lawyer, and one is a Doctor.  Not a real Doctor, but she’s a good girl.”

Mom with husband, future lawyer and future good girl.

I wanted that Ph.D. for me too.  I enjoy learning and teaching, and I wanted the skills and the feeling of completion that the degree would provide.  But I watched as some very talented colleagues (and some morons) went on to achieve their Doctorates, while I paused (temporarily, I thought) to have my children. Time passed, and now it has been more than a decade since I have been a student.

Imagine my joy when I found out that it isn’t too late to have the distinction of being Dr. Susan Burrowes.  I just have to come up with the money.

You get what you pay for.  According to cityofsmoke.com I can realize my dream for only $29.95.  That’s how much it costs for an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Kirby Hensley's renowned Universal Life Church.  If I want a more prestigious degree I can pony up $225 towards Trinity Institute of Christian Counseling’s online Christian outreach efforts. But they do require you to partner in their mission, and well, I can’t seem to reconcile becoming an online missionary with the goal of pleasing my Jewish mother.  Now don’t make the mistake of thinking that only religious institutions are handing out degrees.  Respected secular schools do it too.  For example, a Berkeley degree can be yours, with the suggested minimum donation hovering at $3500.

Dr. Bill Gates, h.c.
Photo: Life Magazine

Honorary degrees have been awarded since 1478, when Oxford awarded Lionel Woodville, dean of Exeter and brother-in-law to Edward IV a degree (some say to curry favor with the King.) But not all honorary degrees are bogus. Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Nelson Mandela and Maya Angelou have all been graced with well-deserved honors.  Unfortunately, they keep suspicious company.  Honorary degrees have been bestowed upon Robert Mugabe, the ruthless, senile dictator of Zimbabwe (though one of his three honorary degrees have since been stripped) and Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam, who endorsed the fatma on writer Salman Rushdie, and who refuses to shake woman’s hand. You don’t have to be a ruthless dictator or zealot misogynist to receive the honor. Business luminaries have also received the degree.  For example, Bill Gates, the chairman of Microsoft received his honorary degree from Harvard. (Dr. Gates originally dropped out of Harvard after 2 years in the undergraduate program.) Honorary degrees are also frequently awarded to music and film stars like the Bee Gees, Kim Catrell and Orlando Bloom.  But the degree that makes me feel good about my own odds is the award to Kermit the Frog. Dr. Kermit received his honorary Doctorate of Amphibious Letters from Southampton College in New York in 1996.

A proud moment for Kermit
Photo: google.com

Next time you hear a radio talk show host, a television personality, a ruthess dictator or frog referred to as Dr. or Professor, look for the telltale letters “h.c.“ This is the small print, Latin for honoris causa  "for the sake of the honour" that is supposed to be listed after the person’s name.  Other than that there are no guidelines or rules as to who can call themselves doctor.

I’m not sure my mother would have approved.  In the end, being a “good girl” was more important to her than being a doctor.  So maybe I’ll concentrate on that, and forgo the “honours.”  If there are others of you out there who have always wanted to be a doctor, but didn’t have the time (or brains) here is your big chance.  All you need is a little money, and a lot of nerve.

Doing it the hard way
Photo: worldmuralproject

www.WiseGeek.com

www.Indiatimes.com
www.guardian.co.uk
history news network

Judith O’Reilly, London Times

www.cityofsmoke.com

www.onlineschools.org

www.themoneytimes.com

knoll.google.com

Cosmopolitan University

The Experiment

I find myself in the afterglow of an unexpectedly fun vacation when we joined with  our family living across the state to share a rented house in the middle.  “Fun,” “family,” and “share” all in the same sentence? I think it was “middle” that made it all possible.  The right time, place and pace made “middle” a happy destination this Thanksgiving.

Turkey I didn't cook on a table I didn't set
Photo: Wikivisual.com

The time.

It was Thanksgiving, a vacation time sanctioned by the calendar.  Getting together around holidays makes sense, not only because they are traditional family times, but because nobody else is working (and getting ahead) while we play.  According to a 2009 study by Harris Interactive for Expedia, 34% of Americans don’t use their vacation days even though 1 in 4 working adults have trouble coping with work related stress. We get an average of 13 days per year, but due to guilt and performance pressure we leave as many as 6 of our 13 days untaken!  Compare this to France’s average of 38 days, with 2 days untaken (no wonder they have time for love.) Given our hesitation to take the time we’ve earned, the holidays are a great way to force some fun on us.

Rare photo of husband and brother not working.

The place.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love having family visit us here at our home.  But here, the joy of family comes with the job of “company.” Yes, it is a labor of love, but it is labor nonetheless. It seemed natural at our mid-state rental that everyone pitched in, and that nobody bore responsibility for the comfort and happiness of others.  Guess what?  Everyone was comfortable and happy anyway!

The pace.

More than a third of us work more than 40 hours a week.*  After work we tend to our families, our homes and our hobbies. It is not surprising then, that we lose touch even with those we hold most dear.  Vacationing together helps us find each other again. For example, I learned last week that my brother and I are more alike than I knew. It turns out we both believe in an intricate and intrinsically ordered universe AND we both hate to empty the dishwasher.  Who knew? 

There are practical considerations to a vacation: how much to spend, where to go, when to go, what to do when you get there.  But here are some ideas about our family vacations that are more about outlook that pocketbook:

Make your needs known.

For example, I wish I had stated my desire for more hiking.  My sister-in-law was surprised when I mentioned it.  She would have enjoyed it too.  Don’t assume that your ideas are less important than those of others. And don’t expect others to know what you need unless you communicate it. 

Make activities optional.

It was fun to split up into different groups at different times. I think more people did more things because less pressure meant more fun.

Be open to spontaneous happenings.

Don’t just point at that funky roadside attraction.  Stop!  Sometimes it is not the big monuments and but the small moments that make a trip, and our lives. Spend more time with your family and less time with the 42 million holiday drivers on the road.**

About  33% of Americans who vacation feel better about work when they return.* Really?  66% of people do not feel better? Maybe they are taking the wrong type of trip.  100% of our family felt better about the time we spent getting to know each other in a whole different way.  The right time, place and pace made “middle” a great destination this Thanksgiving.  And maybe next.

*Harris Interactive (2009)

** AAA (2010)

Pet Peeves:November

I had such a charmed Thanksgiving week that it was hard to come up with things to complain about this month.  But then Black Friday dawned, and I was suddenly inspired. This month’s pet peeves are dedicated to the November crowds and parties leading up to the holiday. 


It probably won’t surprise you that we start at the mall:

Heading right for me.
Photo: lenedgerly.com

Children who bump you.

My children are not especially well mannered, but it seems that I have at least instilled in them the ability to mutter a nearly recognizable “scuse me” if they crash into other shoppers, strollers or standers-by.  Walking through the mall the other day I was assaulted by several apparent orphans hurling through the promenade at a high velocity, leaving only a series of bruises to mark their passage.  Can’t get by?  Push.  Having trouble? Push harder. 


And then there are the endless social opportunities:

janeaustensworld.wordpress.com

People in groups who don’t turn to welcome you.

OK.  I get it.  You don’t know me and you don’t care to.  Maybe your social calendar is already full, or you are engaged in negotiating an arms deal and cannot be disrupted.  Most likely you never read the particular installment of Miss Manners that instructs us to open our conversational circle and welcome people who approach us at parties. 

Hosts who don’t help groups to welcome you. 

Ideally, a host should greet his or her guest, and then walk them over to a group of lovely, like-minded attendees where an introduction and a launching point for further conversation is provided.  (This group of lovely, like-minded attendees will, of course, open their conversational circle to embrace the newcomer.) “Joe and Margie meet Jane.  Jane is also a nuclear physicist working on the transmutation reactions associated with mass-energy release, and I think you may know some of the same people.”  But this failproof method of mixing is slowly becoming outmoded, and has been replaced by the somewhat less gracious “Yo, Jane.  You made it. Grab a cold one.”

People who sneeze into their hands and then welcome you with a handshake.

Yuck. The only thing grosser is how often this happens, and how oblivious the sneezers are.

People who sneeze on you.

OK, that is grosser.

Shaking hands after someone emerges from the bathroom.

I’m never sure whether to be grateful when their hands are damp.  Or not.

Getting ready for company can be stressful too:

Sometimes it's hard to wait
Photo: Superstock.com

People who have huge carts full of food who won’t let you go in front of them in grocery stores when you have one item.

This generally only happens on the days when you are late to pick up your child.  It is more likely to happen if it is raining or dark outside and your child has to wait alone.  It definitely will happen if you must urgently have the one item you are in line for, and have no option but to wait.  You clear your throat gently, and hold the lone item prominently in front of you, but the person ahead of you is from Pluto, or Los Angeles, and does not understand and/or care.

And then there are the events:

People who hold a spot in line.  For many other people.

Ah, your family laughed at you when you arrived two hours early for the dance recital/extravaganza.  But you found yourself only 7^th in line, and enjoyed the triumph of knowing that you would have a seat in front, in prime photo territory (instead of behind the camcorder and camera wielders recording their children’s debut right in your line of sight.)  But your family gets the last laugh when each of the 7 people ahead of you turns out to be holding a spot for 27 of their closest relatives. 

People who hold seats.  Lots of seats.

Stride past those perfectly acceptable seats towards the back of the theatre, because there seem to be plenty of space up ahead.  Turn around when you see that the entire middle of the theater is being “held” with draped raincoats.  Too late...the back of the theater is full.

And finally, the everyday disasters (which are not necessarily related to the holidays, but are just as irritating in November as any other time!)


Kids who cross the street without looking.

I know if I hit one of these teens I will be the party in the wrong, the pariah, the irresponsible, rash and reckless driver who hit an innocent child with her car.  I have never heard of someone whispering behind their hand “she was just driving along slowly when a callous, self-important teen ran out and forced her to hit him.”

Ow.
Photo:GoodTimes.Webshots.com

Women with umbrellas in crowds.

Careful, you’ll poke someone’s eye out!

Do these little indignities tend to intensify during the holidays, or are we more sensitive during the rising rhythms of the season? As always, the list is open!

Can insecurity be a goal?

Growing up I went to school in the same district with the same kids for all of my childhood and adolescence.  I always thought that I would give that kind of stability and security (and boredom) to my own children, but it turns out that between my two kids they have attended 7 different schools over the past 12 years.  So  far. Each time they started a new school was a learning experience, and though it has all turned out well it caused quite a bit of anxiety, and guilt too.  After all, we want to protect our kids from these traumatic experiences, right?

School 1, Day 1

Now that I’m older, I realize that we have the power to frame the change in our lives as frightening, or as exciting. Both feelings are physiologically similar; they make our hearts race, our palms sweat and our breath quicken.  The edge of a higher diving board, the top of a new ski slope and the start of a new relationship all have something in common.  They can be scary and uncomfortable or exhilarating and empowering.  Putting a positive spin on the feelings that accompany new challenges is a gift we can give our children and ourselves.  In fact, I am beginning to wonder if stability and security are overrated.

She probably went to more than one school.
Photo:besidemeallalong.blogspot.com

Consider that when our parents were in the workforce they expected to be with one company for life.  Now, according to the Department of Labor, workers between the ages of 18 and 38 will change jobs an average of 10 times.  So, it seems that learning to deal with change in a positive way has become a valuable tool for the way we work.  As an extension, doesn’t it also help us deal with the unexpected and explore new directions in our personal lives? How many times will we be called on to open ourselves to new circumstances, ideas and behaviors as we age?

It concerns me that as we age we are naturally less open to change.  According to Scientific American (December, 2008) we are best suited to change in our twenties. Slowly over the ensuing years our personalities rust, turning us into creaky old people who can’t accept new flavors of Metamucil, never mind new ideas.  Some of this increased resistance to change is due to getting to know ourselves and our likes and dislikes, but other resistance is embedded in the human condition, and is well documented in change models.  Much of the research in change has been done in organizations, but is well suited to describe our personal lives as well:

Change mode:deltaplus3.com

I especially like this model because it highlights the emotional aspects of change, and our almost certain resistance at every age.  It also assumes the eventual integration of new things into our lives.  Otherwise we would be like a car going up a steep, icy hill, sliding backwards and then congratulating ourselves for reaching the bottom, going nowhere and not knowing any better.  Wouldn’t it be better to accept a new route, or at least put chains on?

To me, change is more than a model; it is a challenge to stay open and to keep learning. Because there is at least a chance that stability can become a stumbling block.  Maybe a little insecurity is not a bad thing.  Maybe it should be a goal.

Precision Laundry

Who are you, you women out there who separate loads, hand wash delicates and pre-treat stains?  Are you the same people that are composting their garbage and wiping their dog’s feet before he comes inside?  I have news for you—you are giving me a serious inferiority complex.  Oh, I try not to measure myself against you, but let’s face it.  Your white’s ARE whiter, and your colors ARE brighter than mine.  And I can’t help but wonder if this will have a dominoes affect on my life.  Do brighter clothes help brighten moods?  Does cleanliness inspire Godliness?  Are my dust bunnies keeping me out of heaven?

 When I was young, single and working I sent my dry cleaning out, paid for a cleaner and cooked very little. I prided myself on complete incompetence at home, and a budding talent for take-out.  Party?  Drop  off catering.  Savings?  None.  

I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but as a married woman and mother it suddenly mattered that I sometimes washed my whites with my reds, and that my panties were, therefore, pink.  That my floor didn’t sparkle, my dishes were not squeeky and my house definitely did not smell like a pine forest (more like eau de dog.)  My children wore mismatched socks, and my husband was frumpled enough to attract other women who believed he was a helpless bachelor.

Last ironed in 1987

As a whole, women are projected to control $1 trillion dollars, or about 60% of the nation’s wealth next year.  So, are we all lined up for Ferrari’s and Brazilian blowouts?  No, it turns out that we are at Walmart, which ranks highest in brands most important to women.*  Because we women are not just spending money.  We are spending our family’s money.

The half-trillion dollars that married women are responsible for accounts for about 80% of their household’s expenditures.**  That paints a big target on their back for advertisers, who need to promote the kind of insecurities that require oven cleaner and bleach to overcome.  Let the brainwashing begin!  Advertisers help us agonize over our whites, our mops and our streak-free windows.  And they make sure our partners think that agonizing over these things makes us better wives and mothers. 

If whiter whites and dust free living are what get you into heaven, then me and my dust bunnies and my pale pink panties are bound for hell where I will, no doubt, spend eternity spraying Febreeze and pre-treating stains as my punishment.  Meanwhile, I am stuffing my colors in with my whites and going for a walk.

Partying with friends in my pink panties

Is life better with hand-wash?  What is more important--the state of our home or the state of our mind?  Do you think people judge us by our housekeeping skills?  Are advertisers right? Should we care?

*www.packagedfacts.com

** Joan Cleaver, Entreprenuer Magazine 2/2004 “What Women Want”

Washed up at 13?

In my last blog I pondered the time and emotional energy we invest in our kids.
It started me thinking...

By the time my oldest was 18 she had tried the following life-enriching activities:  Gymnastics, ballet, flute, guitar, piano, art, cooking, gardening, bowling, swimming, soccer, tai kwon do, volleyball, computer camp, science camp, and camp-camp.  My younger child has a list of approximately the same length, but with surprisingly little overlap.  Each of my children have eventually settled on one or two areas on which to concentrate their attentions, but I often wonder who these activities are really enriching! Well, according to the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture* miscellaneous expenses (not including basics like housing, food, doctors and clothing) for a single 13 year old child cost between $1215 and $2579 per year-depending on annual family incomes.  My friends with a kid who is actually talented at one of these activities tell me it can cost a lot more.  At the highest levels sports participation can cost as much as $15 thousand dollars a year! (Note: This is a rare opportunity for those of us with less talented children to feel smug.)

While it’s not realistic to go back to the 1960s or 70s (is it really as we remember it?) when kids roamed free and wild all day and played pick up games of basketball on the local courts, there are some sound strategies to manage the financial and emotional costs of after school activities.  Some thoughts:

Don’t overload

Ask your kids to choose one school activity and one outside activity at most.  This can be challenging, because by the age 14 or so, schools and sports organizations expect our kids to specialize, and kids feel they are running out of time. Asking your child to jam his or her schedule might make them a champion at something, or it might make them a burnt out, bored and bummed out participant.  Make a sustainable schedule together, keep it, and then wait for your child to ask for more.  Or less. After all, we don’t want to cut in on their texting time.

Yes, they are probably texting each other.
Photo: TeensUnderground.com

Require commitments

At first I required a 3 month contract from my kids on every start, but after storing the Tae Kwon Do gear, the guitar and the fencing swords in the back of the closet I asked them to commit to 6 months or even longer (eternity for a ten year old!) 

  

Encourage friendships

It is easier to go to activities with a friend. The occasional pizza or ice cream bribe doesn’t hurt either, and it does make defeat go down a bit easier. 

Even Brett Favre needs a little pizza after a tough game.  
Photo: YahooSports.com

Control your expectations

What are your goals here?  Will you be bitterly disappointed if Johnny or Jennie don’t make the Olympic team or win the state fair’s JR. Quilting Division?  Winning might not be the best short-term goal to discuss with your kids, rather talk about personal best and persistence.   Oh, and maybe fun too. And that's real enrichment.

*Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion

Miscellaneous Publication Number 1528-2006

Waiting

As a Mom with a school age child I find that waiting has played a large part in my life, especially during activities and social time.  (I might also mention waiting to be appreciated, waiting for good manners to magically appear and waiting to be an empty nester!)

Waiting during activities

If your child starts a sport like gymnastics or swimming, and stays loyal to it for 3 years, you can potentially spend between 450 and 900 hours of your life – up to 110 days--waiting for that child.  That’s just one activity! Our family lives a bit out of the way (read “boondocks”) and so it is sometimes a challenge to know what to do with all that time. An informal poll of other loitering parents reveals that watching your child is the top way to pass time , running errands is number two, and sleeping in the car runs a close third.  I tried napping once, and dreamt that my car, which coincidentally is somewhat fishbowl shaped, was surrounded by parents watching me snore and drool in the back seat.  So, instead of napping, I get lots of oil changes, shop for groceries and yes, write a blog while waiting. I try not to watch my kid practice, fearing that my latent competitive streak will one day suddenly emerge landing me on YouTube, waving my arms wildly at a retreating coach.

LeBron James' Mom protects her child...www.sports.yahoo.com

Social time and social moms and social mores.

With little kids it was an unspoken rule, at least in my paranoid, liberal Jewish mom circle that you would stay for the duration of the play date.  During the transition to elementary school there was that awkward time when you didn’t know if you should stay or not.  I looked for subtle clues, like the other mom blocking the door, or having her bathrobe on.  As the kids got older new worries came into play and I found myself peering around the host’s shoulder to check the living room for empty beer bottles, drug paraphernalia or pedophiles.  By the time your kids are teens, you are more worried than relieved when your host reassures you “Don’t worry-no in and out privileges and the TV has parental controls.”  Why do they need these measures?  Are their kids wandering porn addicts?

OK helicopter moms and dads.  The bottom line is that your child will not be a better gymnast, or a faster swimmer if you hover.  They will not have more successful social dates.  They will not be protected from seeing and maybe experiencing a range different family values.   So here are my top 3 guidelines for letting go: diligence, cognizance and prescience.

Diligence:  It is ok to help, but not to hover.  You want to be at every practice?  Be the snack Mom, organize the carpools or help haul the equipment.  Get involved.  


Cognizance:  Know your child, their friends and the other parents who will be in charge.  Your child may feign embarrassment when you make that pre-party phone call, but--well OK, they really are embarrassed.  Who cares.  


Prescience:  Become all knowing, all seeing and wise beyond human understanding.  OK, I’m still working on this one. 

We may be challenged finding productive ways to wait as our kids get older, but it’s nothing compared to what our kids experience while waiting for us to let go and trust them.

Silly Sayings

I can sense the warmth and feel the love when I hear parents admonishing their children to “sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.”  (Of course, that was before the scary bedbug epidemic, the foul creatures spreading from ratty hotels in New York to flourish in less ratty hotels, then apartments, then movie theaters and airplanes and possibly your children’s beds.  Which makes the saying somewhat less adorable. But I digress.)

"Sleep Tight..."

Our families had sayings too, but unlike the aforementioned bedbug alert, they seemed to make no sense at all.  For example, my husband’s mother was staunchly opposed to foul language (she could watch a ship full of pirates hack each other into hors D'oeuvres but as soon as they damned someone to hell the TV was turned off.)  When she burned herself in the kitchen, stubbed her toe or became displeased with one of her four boys she would proclaim “YOUR FATHER’S MUSTACHE” instead of swearing. Also an oddity, whenever someone in their family uttered “So?” in conversation, their attempt to ask a question was squashed thusly:  “Sew buttons on a milk bottle.” Go ahead-use that any time you want to avoid a topic at the dinner table. My husband still doesn’t bother speaking most of the time.

My Mother was an immigrant from Hungary.  She would sit with my children and chant this ditty from her own childhood:

“Ver’s your money?

In my pocket

Ver’s your pocket?

In my pants

Ver’s your pants?

I leff dem home

Get out of here you dirty bum!”

This ditty makes me wonder if when in Hungary one should overlook minor cultural differences like no pants or exposing one’s self to children.  My Mother also had a habit of combining American colloquialisms.  Many times she soothed me by saying that “It is just milk going under da bridges.”  Oddly enough it is the saying I disliked the most that I return to again and again as I worry about my daughter living away at college, my younger going to high school and my husband working his own business.  “It’s a jungle out der.”

Thinking about these old sayings leads me to ponder some of our own family's responses to our girl's behaviors. In retrospect they seem less whimsical, and well, meaner. The one that was invoked most often is: “Don’t do that at prom,” and it addresses everything from bad table manners to picking wedgies out of butts.  I would work on being nicer but, after all “it is a jungle out der.”

My daughter at prom...having avoided bad manners and butt picking as far as I know...

So (buttons on a milk bottle) what sayings have stuck in your family?  

Squirrel!

“Squirrel!”  It’s the code my friend invokes when her attention (or mine) wander from the subject at hand.  It’s means that, much like a dog scenting a squirrel, we may have missed something.  Test yourself. Check how many “ squirrel” moments you have today.  Or how many “squirrel” incidents you suspect in the people to whom you’re speaking. (This is also an opportunity to check in with your self and ask the age old question “am I boring?”)

Welcome to the “Sesame Street “generation.  Now, I do not denigrate this joyous children’s series with its multi-cultural bag of learning.  In fact, I consider it a true trend-setter with its quick vignettes, splashing colors and multiple subjects.   I do believe Sesame Street provides an early (1969) example, and maybe takes some responsibility for how the pace of our electronic world has changed.  According to a UK research company called YouGov, “the average attention span is now just five minutes and seven seconds, compared to more than 12 minutes a decade ago.” It’s not surprising then, when Wikipedia claims that today’s TV commercial, (around a minute in 1950) lasts 15 seconds as average. In spite of the pace set by media, you can help your child slow down and concentrate.

1)Be realistic. 

In a video study by TubeMogul, after 30 seconds a third of video test audiences were lost, and after a minute more than half!   So at first, front load important information for your kid, and give them complex information over time. (I’m working on a book called “sound-bite parenting.”) If you see shallow breathing and glazed over eyes, just stop.

2) Limit media time.

  

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says children under age two shouldn't spend time watching television or using a computer AT ALL. (They have obviously never babysat.) For those over three years old, the AAP and the U.S. Surgeon General say to limit screen time to two hours daily including TV, computers, hand held video games and even all the cool games you have on your smart phone.

3) Introduce long term projects or goals.  

Undertakings that require several sessions and have a distinct and rewarding end point help kids learn to focus and maintain interest over time.  Age appropriate puzzles, craft projects that have more than one step and reading chapter books aloud over time can all be engaging and fun ways to work on attention span.

So, slow it down and stretch it out.  It may help.  If it doesn’t, and you’re worried about your child’s ability to concentrate then take a deep breath and remember that all of our children develop at different rates at different ages.  (My 14 year old still does not like to use a fork, does that count?) If you’re still worried check the loose guidelines available through the AAP, or on accessible websites like www.earlyinterventionsupport.com because knowing earlier will help you pay more and better attention to supporting your kid!