And....They're Off!

Summer camps are over, and dusk creeps in earlier each evening.   Children are becoming restless with the relaxed pace of summer, and the first hint of Halloween costumes are creeping out of their retail resting places. Even in an evergreen state like California the change of season is palpable.

The waning of summer is a bittersweet time for parents.  In spite of the many joys of family togetherness even the most loving parent can be excused for looking forward to the promise of peace that the school year brings.

Teens try to escape while parent calms them.
Photo: goffvw.com

But, before you can step into that promised land you must brave back to school shopping (BTS.)  BTS is an annual late August outbreak carried by adults, but expressed in marked behavioral changes in teenagers.

Teen looks for brain.
Photo: Suburbsanity.com

The most frequent symptom of BTS in teens is eye rolling.  You’re most likely to see this behavior emerge when you tell your teen that you will accompany them on their pre-school shopping trip.  The condition should generally lessen or even resolve when money is applied.  If your teens’ eye rolling deteriorates into facial contortions or mumbling, try to ease their discomfort by fanning them vigorously with your store credit cards.

Homeopathic cures for BTS are available in your own wallet.
Photo: Fortunewatch.com

BTS is highly contagious.  Even if you make it to the mall symptom-free, be aware that just being in proximity of an adult while shopping is enough to transmit BTS to your teen at any moment.  A common complication of BTS can occur if your teen is spotted at the mall by peers in the “cum parente” position; it can precipitate a crisis that can be alleviated only by jeans costing over one hundred dollars.

Cum Parente teens recover in a support group.
Photo: Therockwallnews.com

Unlike most bugs, BTS can cross species, travelling easily from shoppers to sales associates.  With their finely tuned animal instincts, sales associates can sense the weakness of the back to school shopper.  Aggressive salespeople will engage in stalking behaviors, cutting you out of the pack by introducing themselves, starting rooms for you and then providing the right sizes for the most inappropriate and most expensive items. Your only hope for escape is to hover around the sales racks until they spot more likely prey.

BTS parent seeks refuge in remote area.
Photo: Luux.com

Once teens contract BTS their recovery is doubtful, at least for the duration of the mall trip.  The best course of action is to treat yourself.  Starbucks, the cookie counter and the pedi parlor are all proven therapeutic treatments for adult BTS.  And hold on to the fact that BTS is a seasonal disease, which should wane along with the final days of summer.

Temporary relief from BTS is available.
Photo: Lifewithwendy.com

Bloopage

I have been unable to exercise recently, and as a result have gained almost five pounds.  Now, five pounds doesn’t sound like an awful lot, unless it’s THE five pounds that create new bloopage.

Weighing one leg at a time can help.
Photo: Since1910.com

Oh come on.  You know what I mean by bloopage.  It’s the stuff that bloops over your belt, or other constrained areas on your body.  The first bloopage experience can be traumatic.  Mine came early in life. When I married, it was in a dropped waist, see-through bodice that required me to wear thigh high stockings.  “Oh gahd!” I screamed in the tranquil boutique where I was trying on the stockings for the first time. “My thighs!  They look like nuclear mushrooms!”  After my girlfriend finished snorting white wine out of her nostrils, she packed me up in the car and drove me to the gym.

This calls for extreme measures.
Photo: Kitchik.com

Over the years I have found that the gym can be a distressing experience if you don’t have the right attitude.  I strongly suggest hiring a personal trainer if you can swing it.  It’s not that you really need a personal trainer to make it through a robust workout.  But let’s face it, the right trainer can distract you from noticing all of the beautiful, hard-bodies that are working out around you.  Who cares if they are running faster, lifting more weight or clearly more coordinated? You have “Hans” massaging that pesky cramp out of your calves.

What workout?
Photo: Goldsgymma.com

Hans not in the budget?  Consider a sport, like swimming.  Then people can lift you with one arm!  That’s right, one arm!  Imagine how much weight you would have to lose in the gym for that to happen!

This would never happen at the gym.
Photo: Greenwebsitedesign.co.uk

If exercise seems inconvenient, try optical illusions.  You simply buy bigger, ill fitting clothes, and then wait for people to say things like “Oh my, look at the weight you’ve lost...your clothes are hanging on you!”  You can also stand next to large objects that create the illusion that you are small, like the Lincoln Memorial or that guy that plays in all the giant movies.  Also helpful (giving credit to R.S. here) have all photographs taken from above.  Or from a distance.  In the fog.  At night.  Finally, shave off five pounds quickly by only looking at yourself in the mirrors they use at department stores.

Wow! What's your secret?
Photo: freewebs.com

You look tiny!
Photo: dentonrc.com

The truth is, that my bloopage makes me yearn for my mother’s Europe (well, before the Nazi’s anyway) when being “soft” was a sign of a wealthy home with plenty of food and increased your desirability.  Big thighs? Big dowry.  My darling mother used to call larger people “healthy” and urge food on us the way one might urge on a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Chicken fat was a condiment.  Cake was a breakfast choice.  Food was love.

Cake as a food group.
Photo: recipebinder.uk.org

I wish for those days when I was fearless and brave with bread and cookies.  Unfortunately, wishful thinking is just another strategy that won’t work.  See you at the gym.

This works too.
Art:  Clevelandseniors.com

There are consequences to ignoring bloopage...
Photo: Movieboy.com

Running away from bloopage.
Photo: Webmd.com