Bloopage

I have been unable to exercise recently, and as a result have gained almost five pounds.  Now, five pounds doesn’t sound like an awful lot, unless it’s THE five pounds that create new bloopage.

Weighing one leg at a time can help.
Photo: Since1910.com

Oh come on.  You know what I mean by bloopage.  It’s the stuff that bloops over your belt, or other constrained areas on your body.  The first bloopage experience can be traumatic.  Mine came early in life. When I married, it was in a dropped waist, see-through bodice that required me to wear thigh high stockings.  “Oh gahd!” I screamed in the tranquil boutique where I was trying on the stockings for the first time. “My thighs!  They look like nuclear mushrooms!”  After my girlfriend finished snorting white wine out of her nostrils, she packed me up in the car and drove me to the gym.

This calls for extreme measures.
Photo: Kitchik.com

Over the years I have found that the gym can be a distressing experience if you don’t have the right attitude.  I strongly suggest hiring a personal trainer if you can swing it.  It’s not that you really need a personal trainer to make it through a robust workout.  But let’s face it, the right trainer can distract you from noticing all of the beautiful, hard-bodies that are working out around you.  Who cares if they are running faster, lifting more weight or clearly more coordinated? You have “Hans” massaging that pesky cramp out of your calves.

What workout?
Photo: Goldsgymma.com

Hans not in the budget?  Consider a sport, like swimming.  Then people can lift you with one arm!  That’s right, one arm!  Imagine how much weight you would have to lose in the gym for that to happen!

This would never happen at the gym.
Photo: Greenwebsitedesign.co.uk

If exercise seems inconvenient, try optical illusions.  You simply buy bigger, ill fitting clothes, and then wait for people to say things like “Oh my, look at the weight you’ve lost...your clothes are hanging on you!”  You can also stand next to large objects that create the illusion that you are small, like the Lincoln Memorial or that guy that plays in all the giant movies.  Also helpful (giving credit to R.S. here) have all photographs taken from above.  Or from a distance.  In the fog.  At night.  Finally, shave off five pounds quickly by only looking at yourself in the mirrors they use at department stores.

Wow! What's your secret?
Photo: freewebs.com

You look tiny!
Photo: dentonrc.com

The truth is, that my bloopage makes me yearn for my mother’s Europe (well, before the Nazi’s anyway) when being “soft” was a sign of a wealthy home with plenty of food and increased your desirability.  Big thighs? Big dowry.  My darling mother used to call larger people “healthy” and urge food on us the way one might urge on a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Chicken fat was a condiment.  Cake was a breakfast choice.  Food was love.

Cake as a food group.
Photo: recipebinder.uk.org

I wish for those days when I was fearless and brave with bread and cookies.  Unfortunately, wishful thinking is just another strategy that won’t work.  See you at the gym.

This works too.
Art:  Clevelandseniors.com

There are consequences to ignoring bloopage...
Photo: Movieboy.com

Running away from bloopage.
Photo: Webmd.com