Doctored Up

My Jewish mother wanted her two children to be a doctor and a lawyer and was quietly disappointed when she got an advertising account exec and an entrepreneur. She told people we were an accountant and a businessman. My brother did fulfill her dream late in life with a Law degree...sort of an afterthought for him. I went back to school too, but confused her even more when I came out with a Master’s in Communication.  “Vat is dat?,” she would ask.  “You graduated in talking?!”  

I always had the secret desire to go on with my education and become a doctor for her.  Maybe not the kind she wanted.  But she would be able to tell her friends “Yes, I have two children.  One is a Lawyer, and one is a Doctor.  Not a real Doctor, but she’s a good girl.”

Mom with husband, future lawyer and future good girl.

I wanted that Ph.D. for me too.  I enjoy learning and teaching, and I wanted the skills and the feeling of completion that the degree would provide.  But I watched as some very talented colleagues (and some morons) went on to achieve their Doctorates, while I paused (temporarily, I thought) to have my children. Time passed, and now it has been more than a decade since I have been a student.

Imagine my joy when I found out that it isn’t too late to have the distinction of being Dr. Susan Burrowes.  I just have to come up with the money.

You get what you pay for.  According to cityofsmoke.com I can realize my dream for only $29.95.  That’s how much it costs for an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Kirby Hensley's renowned Universal Life Church.  If I want a more prestigious degree I can pony up $225 towards Trinity Institute of Christian Counseling’s online Christian outreach efforts. But they do require you to partner in their mission, and well, I can’t seem to reconcile becoming an online missionary with the goal of pleasing my Jewish mother.  Now don’t make the mistake of thinking that only religious institutions are handing out degrees.  Respected secular schools do it too.  For example, a Berkeley degree can be yours, with the suggested minimum donation hovering at $3500.

Dr. Bill Gates, h.c.
Photo: Life Magazine

Honorary degrees have been awarded since 1478, when Oxford awarded Lionel Woodville, dean of Exeter and brother-in-law to Edward IV a degree (some say to curry favor with the King.) But not all honorary degrees are bogus. Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Nelson Mandela and Maya Angelou have all been graced with well-deserved honors.  Unfortunately, they keep suspicious company.  Honorary degrees have been bestowed upon Robert Mugabe, the ruthless, senile dictator of Zimbabwe (though one of his three honorary degrees have since been stripped) and Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam, who endorsed the fatma on writer Salman Rushdie, and who refuses to shake woman’s hand. You don’t have to be a ruthless dictator or zealot misogynist to receive the honor. Business luminaries have also received the degree.  For example, Bill Gates, the chairman of Microsoft received his honorary degree from Harvard. (Dr. Gates originally dropped out of Harvard after 2 years in the undergraduate program.) Honorary degrees are also frequently awarded to music and film stars like the Bee Gees, Kim Catrell and Orlando Bloom.  But the degree that makes me feel good about my own odds is the award to Kermit the Frog. Dr. Kermit received his honorary Doctorate of Amphibious Letters from Southampton College in New York in 1996.

A proud moment for Kermit
Photo: google.com

Next time you hear a radio talk show host, a television personality, a ruthess dictator or frog referred to as Dr. or Professor, look for the telltale letters “h.c.“ This is the small print, Latin for honoris causa  "for the sake of the honour" that is supposed to be listed after the person’s name.  Other than that there are no guidelines or rules as to who can call themselves doctor.

I’m not sure my mother would have approved.  In the end, being a “good girl” was more important to her than being a doctor.  So maybe I’ll concentrate on that, and forgo the “honours.”  If there are others of you out there who have always wanted to be a doctor, but didn’t have the time (or brains) here is your big chance.  All you need is a little money, and a lot of nerve.

Doing it the hard way
Photo: worldmuralproject

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